


i could never hold a perfect thing (and not demolish it)

by preciousthings



Series: you stopped me in my tracks (put me right in my place) [1]
Category: 9-1-1: Lone Star (TV 2020)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Character Study, Internal Monologue, M/M, Weather Metaphors Abound, prose-heavy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-27
Updated: 2020-02-27
Packaged: 2021-02-27 19:48:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,368
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22891264
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/preciousthings/pseuds/preciousthings
Summary: TK grew up thinking that love was a sham, like— building a house on the coast without taking precautions for hurricane season and still being surprised when a hurricane levels your house.You fall in love knowing it could break you, but you’re still surprised when it does.(or: life is tough but tk strand is tougher.)
Relationships: Carlos Reyes (9-1-1 Lone Star)/TK Strand
Series: you stopped me in my tracks (put me right in my place) [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2118681
Comments: 26
Kudos: 175





	i could never hold a perfect thing (and not demolish it)

**Author's Note:**

> *walks into a new fandom 5 minutes late with starbucks* i Tried to finish this earlier, and life had it's own plans BUT i finally finished this only a little bit later than i intended! this is tagged as a canon divergence so i guess it's important to know that it diverges after 1x02, so in this, tk never gets arrested!!
> 
> many thanks to tasha for reading this when it was done and grace for reading it at every other step along the way and always being down to talk about these boys with me <3 
> 
> i don't own these characters and the title is from Forever ... (is a long time) by halsey.

Life is just a series of cycles.

TK is used to cycles at this point, because he’s used to routines. His entire life is basically just— wake up, go to work for as long as his shift requires him, go home. It’s easy. It’s _helpful_ now.

The routines used to be different. They used to involve back rooms at bars, clubs in basements, and what ended up being some of the scariest moments of his life. That was a cycle, and it was the toughest one to break. It took time. It took multiple tries, but he broke it and never looked back.

There’s another cycle now. Find something good, entertain the thought that it could lead to something great, break it before it gets the chance to be, and repeat. It works. 

  
  


This cycle exists because TK grew up watching things fall apart. 

He’s seen skyscrapers crumble to nothing and houses burn to the ground without warning. He’s seen the impossible manifest in front of his eyes. He thought his mom and dad would be forever, and they weren’t. He grew less confident that things were meant to last by the time his dad remarried, and then that fell apart, too. It doesn’t even matter that TK’s person wouldn’t be a woman, and he’s _so_ lucky that at least he gets to have that and not be ashamed of it, but he still grew up thinking that love was a sham, like— building a house on the coast without taking precautions for hurricane season and still being surprised when a hurricane levels your house. You fall in love knowing it could break you, but you’re still surprised when it does. 

Or at least— that’s what usually happens, right? TK never lets it get that far. He builds a house twelve feet high so when the hurricane hits, it stays intact. It becomes a capital-T-thing: TK Strand doesn’t _do_ serious. He’ll sleep around and see guys casually, but as soon as a relationship shows the first signs of taking that next step, he ends it. Like— breaking his own heart somehow makes more sense than having someone else do it. 

(The thing is, it never made any fucking sense in the first place, but that was back when everything was kind of a haze.)

He wears his heart on his sleeve, but most of the time, he also doesn’t let anyone get close enough to look at it, even if he’s falling hard and fast. He still feels too much. He tells himself this works, though. He tells himself it’s enough. 

TK tells himself that he’s getting better, but that one’s actually true. 

And then he meets Alex. Alex, who is smart, and funny, and gorgeous, and could not be more TK’s type. He’s not sure how it happens, but he— lets himself fall, for real this time. He jumps off the cliff, and Alex is right there next to him.

TK breaks the cycle, and it's equal parts terrifying and exhilarating. _Love_ is terrifying and exhilarating, and for the first time in his life, it feels like a risk worth taking. 

He likes the person he is with Alex so much more than the person he was before they met. And honestly? That’s enough.

  
  


TK has always been so careful with his heart, but now it _hurts_. _Everything_ hurts. There were signs, probably, red flags that he missed because he was too busy thinking about a future he never imagined he’d have. The future seemed bright and full of love, but now there’s just— blinding pain.

He takes his heart, and he builds new concrete walls around it. Twelve feet high, with reinforcements just to be safe. 

And he remembers why he had a cycle in the first place. He’s sure that happy endings exist, but he’s less sure that he was meant to have one of his own. 

So, TK spirals. 

He hasn’t lost himself like this in _years_ , he swears, and after he slowly comes back to himself, he promises his dad that he won’t ever again. He thinks that if he keeps repeating that back to himself, he’ll actually believe it. 

  
  


The last place TK expects to find something remotely close to healing is Texas, because it’s fucking _Texas_ , right?

Like, full disclosure, he’s never even been to Texas, but he’s pretty sure it’s just a big state full of people who have a predisposition to hate him based on something he can’t even control. He can’t help but feel like _this_ is what his dad meant when he said _it’s tough love from now on_. Maybe tough love is permanently relocating your gay son who has never lived anywhere but liberal New York City to the deep south and not giving him a say in the matter, but doing it with the promise of a job already waiting for him when he gets there.

He’s giving Austin a shot, if only because his dad actually seems excited about the move and the fresh start and the chance to build something from the ground up together. Once they start hiring their squad, TK realizes that he hasn’t met a single person yet who fits the snap judgements he’d made about the kinds of people he’d meet here. They’re diverse and intelligent and special in their unique ways. Not everyone looks like him. He likes that.

He feels lighter than he has in weeks, even before everything with Alex had gone down. He’s not thinking about guys or dating— he swore that off the second he’d really taken the time to process the end of his last relationship. There’s no need to fall back into old cycles anymore. 

So, here TK is— recovering from everything he left behind, with a heart that’s hurricane-proof again.

  
  


The thing about over-preparing for one thing is that typically you let your guard down about everything else. 

TK’s heart might be able to withstand the winds of a hurricane, but even that has nothing on tornadoes.

There are tornadoes in Texas, and Carlos Reyes is a fucking tornado. 

He isn’t expecting Carlos, but then again, isn’t that how it always goes? There are a lot of things going through TK’s head, synapses firing and thoughts flying, like— _Fuck, he’s cute,_ and— _He’s probably straight, anyway_ , and— _You said you wouldn’t do this. You told yourself you deserve time._

And then he realizes— if he’s seeing Carlos right now, on a call while they’re both _at work_ , that means he’ll probably be seeing a lot more of Carlos. He’s right about that, but wrong about something else. 

By the third time in two shifts that TK’s squad and Carlos both respond to a call, the glances Carlos is sending TK’s way feel a lot more leading. To the point that other people are starting to pick up on it. 

“Don’t think I didn’t notice Officer Reyes making eyes at you.” Marjan comes up next to TK while he’s reloading the truck. It’s very to-the-point; he isn’t expecting it. 

He figures playing dumb probably won’t hurt him in the long run, because the last thing he wants to do right now is tell someone he met less than a week ago everything that led up to the self-imposed no dating rule. “I have no idea what you’re talking about,” he says. 

“Oh, come on,” she says. “Sure, he’s cute, but he’s not looking at _me_ like that.”

“Well,” he shrugs. “I haven’t really noticed anything. It’s probably not me, anyway.” 

“You keep telling yourself that, Strand,” Marjan pats him on the back and circles around the rig to climb in. 

They’re off again, onto another call, and it’s easy for TK to get lost in work. By the end of his shift, he’s almost completely forgotten about the conversation with Marjan. 

Almost being the key word. 

  
  


After they finish their first full week together, the entire squad ends up in a bar. 

TK’s fine. He swears. 

He’s really, really fine. If anything, he’s just tired. Getting back into a 24 hour shift routine after a few weeks off He considered going home after work, but the questions he’d have to field if he did would take more effort than just showing up for the bare minimum. He orders a mineral water and sits down at a high top table with everyone else. 

He doesn’t mean to not engage with the team, he just— doesn’t want to. But he came here to be part of a team, right? It’s easy to pretend, he got by so often in New York on just pretending. TK doesn’t want to just get by here, but it’s hard to do anything but that when most of the time everything feels fucking— gray. 

When Owen slides onto the stool next to him, TK doesn’t want to pretend. He has no reason to. He isn’t lying when he says he kind of likes AA here compared to the one he went to in New York. He thinks that he’s building a decent relationship with his new therapist. It really is nice to be doing something like this with his dad.

He doesn’t say that this initially felt like a punishment, because even if it was, he’s not sure he’d go back to New York now if he had the chance. 

And when TK tells his dad that he thinks they’re going to be okay, he’s actually confident that they will be. If anything, it gives him something to work toward.

  
  


He’s sitting alone after everyone, and he means _everyone_ , leaves the table to line dance. TK’s not a line dancing kind of guy; in the right moments, he’s a dancing at a gay bar kind of guy, but even then, it’s not _really_ his scene anymore. He may live in Texas now, but line dancing is a step he will not take. No one questions it and he’s still half expecting his dad to call him out on it, but when he looks over his shoulder, Carlos is standing there. 

“Hey,” Carlos says. 

Admittedly, TK’s been out of the dating game for a while, but he’s still pretty sure he knows when someone is flirting with him. And Carlos is definitely flirting with him. 

“Hey,” TK replies. He may have sworn off anything guy-related, but he still has eyes, he’s not dead and he may have had a bit of a reputation back home (or— back in New York) for being a flirt. So he flirts a little bit. What’s the worst that could happen? 

This, apparently. 

“Wanna dance?” Carlos asks, motioning toward the line dancing, and TK falters. 

This whole _going any further than casual conversation_ thing is exactly what he was afraid of. From what TK’s seen, Carlos is a really good guy; he’s charming and good at his job, he seems very kind and he cares a lot, and on top of all that, he’s really fucking hot. All of those things make him the kind of guy TK would end up hurting, because he always ends up hurting people. Carlos doesn’t deserve that. 

But—

It’s not like TK would actually be breaking any of his own rules by dancing with him. He didn’t ask, Carlos did, which may seem like he’s trying to find a loophole, but he decided on having this fucking rule in the first place, so he can make whatever loopholes he’d like. It might be worth it.

“Yeah,” TK says, throwing a smile in Carlos’ direction. It’s a one-time thing, he tells himself. Just tonight, and he’ll reset tomorrow, try and salvage this into a friendship if anything, because Carlos might be the first person he’s met here that he actually wants to keep around.

  
  


There’s just one small problem now. 

The entire plan hinged on nothing happening but some dancing and small talk. TK wasn’t expecting it to escalate, but one thing led to another and, well— 

They hooked up in the bathroom at the bar. 

TK hasn’t been an anonymous bar bathroom hook up kind of guy in a really long time— like, he’s pretty sure he was high the last time he did that. And tonight _wasn’t_ anonymous so at least he has that going for him, but it was still _something_. They still kissed, TK was still a fully willing participant in this even though he swore he wasn’t that guy anymore. 

(Carlos is an excellent kisser, but that’s completely beside the point here.)

No one even noticed that they disappeared. Carlos doesn’t kiss TK in front of the team, but he keeps his hand in TK’s back pocket. Before he heads out for the night, Carlos swipes TK’s phone out of his other pocket and puts his number in. 

“Just in case,” Carlos whispers in TK’s ear, and TK shivers.

When he leaves the bar, he feels sort of bright and warm and actually _alive_ for the first time since he moved. It’s always been irresponsible to chase that feeling when he has it and he’s starting to feel like this time might be no different.

  
  


Carlos’ number sits untouched in TK’s phone for one day. His resolve to keep it that way lasts one day. 

He’s not desperate, and this is nothing like he used to do in New York, even though there’s a nagging voice in the back of his head telling him that this is exactly what he used to do in New York. He doesn’t have to work until later on, and he’s bored. He knows how this looks, and he would not like to discuss that right now. He is really, genuinely attempting friendship here. 

_hey it’s tk strand_ , he texts. _u doing anything rn_

_Off today. Lunch sound good?_

👍🏻 _pick you up in 15? send me ur address_

This is good, this— he can handle this just fine. He’s making friends that aren’t part of his team at work. His dad and his therapist would be proud. 

  
  


Except, apparently, something about Carlos makes TK reckless. Something about Carlos makes TK _want_ so much, want even more than he did when he’d first met Alex and everything felt shiny and new again. 

It’s easy not to think about anything when he’s on top of Carlos, kissing him, but it consumes TK once he’s alone again— doubt and fear and anxiety, all reminders of why he used to run at the first sign that something was more than just sex. 

They keep this up for a while; they share discreet glances on the job and spend too much time together outside of it. It’s starting to feel like maybe this is more than a friends-with-benefits situation. The most terrifying part about it is how easily it starts to fit into TK’s life. How easily _Carlos_ starts fitting himself into TK’s life. 

Carlos isn’t Alex, but there’s nothing to let TK know Carlos won’t be like Alex eventually, once Carlos gets to know all of the not-so-great parts of TK. The parts of him that made him harden his heart and put up walls in the first place. 

So, TK does what he does best. Carlos invites him over one night late after both of their shifts, and when it’s clear that Carlos wants more out of this relationship than TK had prepared himself to have, he finds an opening to run and takes it. Maybe he ruined the only good thing he had going in Texas. 

Whatever, he was bound to fall back into the cycle somehow. It’s hard; it always is, never gets fucking easier. But something about leaving this time is harder than it’s ever been. Maybe it’s because of the way Carlos looked him in the eye and tried to reason with him, like he wouldn’t back down without a fight. TK can’t remember the last time someone didn’t just let him go. 

Leaving hurts more than he’s willing to admit. 

  
  


It really should say something about whatever they had that Carlos is the first guy TK feels compelled to apologize to after, essentially, breaking up with him, but TK’s choosing to ignore that feeling. It probably isn’t healthy to keep all of this bottled up, but this also isn’t the worst choice he’s ever made. It certainly isn’t a win, because he feels like shit all the time, but he’s had worse, more damaging, more self destructive losses before. It’s all about balance.

Life goes on. It’s less vibrant than it was when he was spending time with Carlos; everything’s back to the muted gray it was before.

TK’s thinking about texting Carlos or doing something even stupider like going over to his house during his 48 off when his phone vibrates with a text from Carlos. It’s probably a little embarrassing how quickly he swipes the text open. 

_You doing anything right now?_

A follow-up text, seconds later, reads: _This isn’t a sex thing, I promise. just think we should talk._

 _not busy rn_ , TK sends back. 

_Can I pick you up in 20 mins? Just got off work_

TK likes the message and pockets his phone, taking the stairs up to his room two at a time. He should probably put on a shirt that he didn’t sleep in. His phone vibrates in his pocket with another message from Carlos. 

_Does that mean yes?_

TK considers for a second, before liking that message too. For good measure, he types out _yes_ and sends it. 

  
  


“I’m not trying to be your boyfriend, if that’s what you really want,” Carlos says, sitting across from TK at the cafe he drove them to. The coffee in front of him is too hot to drink without burning his mouth, but he stares at the cup, focusing on the steam rising from it. “I do like you, though, and I want to be friends, if you’d want that.” 

TK could say _I wasn’t trying to be_ your _boyfriend_ , or _I’m sorry I wasn’t clear enough from the start that I can’t just do things casually the way you can_ , or _I like you so much it scares me_ , but he doesn’t. 

“I’d like that,” he says. It’s not a lie. He may not feel great all the time, or ever, really, but he’s making a conscious effort to stop sabotaging himself when he can, and it feels really good. 

  
  


Life goes on after that, and TK suddenly has this new normal. It’s easier than he expects to fall into a routine that’s actually productive for once. He goes to work, he goes to the gym, he figures out a way to balance the overwhelming urge to be alone with spending time with other people so his dad doesn’t start to worry. He goes to AA. He goes to therapy. On paper, his life looks fucking great. In practice, it’s all still so fucking dull. 

Except— he’s spending a lot of time with Carlos when they’re both not at work. He thought it’d be weird, considering the way TK had put a stop to physical part of their relationship abruptly, but the longer they go without doing anything remotely sexual, the more comfortable TK starts feeling in Carlos’ presence. 

Like one day a few weeks after TK becomes accustomed to all of this, Carlos picked him up for what started out as just lunch but led to an impromptu trip through some of the parts of downtown Austin that TK hadn’t gotten the chance to explore yet. They walk down 6th Street in the mid-afternoon spring sunlight, and TK’s struck with the realization that the pull of anxiety that’s taken up a home in the pit of his stomach is gone, just like that. 

They lose track of time and Carlos drops him off at the station because there’s not enough time for him to get his own car. It would be so easy for TK to lean over the console and kiss Carlos goodbye if their relationship was like that, but he made his choice when he said he wanted to be Carlos’ friend. It doesn’t make it harder to be around Carlos, but he thinks that one day sooner than later, it might. When whatever he’s feeling consumes him for real, and the only thing to do then is— end it. For good this time.

He’s halfway to the locker room when Mateo catches up to him. 

“Was that Officer Reyes?” he asks, falling into step with TK; TK nods in lieu of an actual answer. “You’re with him a lot,” he adds. 

“We’ve become pretty good friends, I guess,” TK says. He’s always had a knack for understating things he doesn’t really want to talk about. 

(He’s said “I’m fine,” enough to last a lifetime, even when he was the furthest thing from it.)

“I’m not trying to, like, psychoanalyze you or whatever that is, but it’s kinda obvious that you like being around him. We’ve all seen it,” Mateo says. 

“Did Cap put you up to this?” TK asks, only a little suspicious that Mateo is doing recon for one of the nosier members of their team, his dad included. 

Mateo shakes his head. “Just something I noticed. There’s obviously some shit that you’re not telling any of us, and that’s cool, like, keep your secrets until you’re ready to tell, but also know that you deserve to be happy just like the rest of us do.” 

“Thanks, Probie.” 

They stop in front of their lockers, and Mateo pauses after taking his uniform out. “And just for the record, I’m not the only one who sees that Officer Reyes makes you happier,” he says, and then disappears to get changed before TK can even begin to form a response to that. He just stands there, a little wide-eyed, trying to process that entire conversation before he has to put it in the back of his mind and get to work.

  
  


It’s just TK’s luck that the shift turns out to be incredibly uneventful, so he has no choice but to keep thinking about what Mateo said. 

Carlos texts him sporadically when he’s awake, and Mateo keeps glancing in his direction, not enough for it to be weird, but enough that TK is constantly reminded of their conversation. 

He can’t remember the last time someone who wasn’t getting paid to talk to him told him he deserved to be happy. It’s still not something he believes, but he thinks he could be— no, he _wants_ to be happy. It’s not something that comes naturally to him, though, and it hasn’t for as long as he can remember.

It feels like a crossroads: the way he’s been living for so long now, and the life he could have if he just gave into the way being around Carlos makes him feel. Safe or risky. Existing or living. Since he got to Texas, he’s been existing. He doesn’t want that anymore; he wants to _feel_. 

It’s not going to be a simple thing, he has to start somewhere. It’s a weird feeling to actually be in control of his life for the first time in so long, but he’s finally choosing his heart. The last time he picked heart over head, it nearly broke him, but Carlos is kind and patient, and a godsend in his new life here. That’s what TK’s heart wants. 

And he knows what he has to do.

  
  


It’s after 9 at night when TK pulls up in front of Carlos’ house, riding the adrenaline wave that came with his mid-shift realization. If he doesn’t do this now, he’d lose the nerve to ever do it, so he hops into his own car as soon as he and his dad get home from the firehouse and drives over, without even telling Carlos he was coming. He wasn’t even sure if Carlos would be home, but he exhales just a little seeing the car parked in his driveway. Hope has always been a dangerous thing for him to have, but right now, he’s overwhelmed with it. 

He gets out of the car and locks it, and half-jogs up to Carlos’ door. He counts backwards from ten in his head before knocking on the door. 

“TK? Is—” Carlos starts, but. 

TK leans in and kisses Carlos, right there on Carlos’ doorstep. It’s nothing like any of the kisses they’ve shared in the past, gentle instead of frantic, passionate but not leading. It’s like— TK’s not expecting this to go where every other kiss has. For once, he’s okay with leaving it here.

When TK pulls back, Carlos is smiling at him. “What was that for?” he asks. 

“I just— really had to do that,” TK says. “I came over here because I think we should talk, but I wanted to do that first.” 

“You should come inside before we do anything else.”

TK follows Carlos inside and sits down at the kitchen table across from him. 

“Okay, so,” TK pauses. “This might be a lot, and there are things I don’t feel comfortable saying yet, but I need you to know some stuff about me before I ultimately get to the point of this conversation, which is: I really fucking like you, and I want to be with you. Like, for real be in a relationship with you. If that’s what you want, obviously.”

“Hey, TK,” Carlos says, gently. “Take a deep breath. I’m all in, okay?”

“You say that now,” TK says, and when he laughs, it sounds a little watery. He’s so relieved, he could cry. 

“There is almost nothing you could tell me that would change how I feel about you,” Carlos says, and TK narrows his eyes. “I swear,” he adds, answering a question TK didn’t even have to ask out loud.

“I guess you should know that I got out of a relationship right before me and my dad left New York, and it ended really badly,” TK starts, and Carlos reaches across the table for his hand. 

It’s a start, and for once, it’s a really good start.

Turns out he really didn’t have any reason to be afraid of tornadoes after all. 

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading!! come hang out w me on tumblr: backinmybodymp3


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